Finding My Happy Place
As a counselor, I know the signs for domestic violence and they are very different than those of what could be an emotionally abusive or even toxic relationship. Unfortunately, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship years ago, but it took me getting out of it to see it as such. Even with my schooling and years of training, it was hard to see it since I was in the thick of it all.
After my divorce in my early 20’s, then a 5 year relationship with someone much younger then me, I was solely focused on creating my happily ever after. I mean I was serious about searching for a partner that could give me the house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, etc. I was very unsatisfied with the house I had purchased in Philadelphia, PA. So much so I spent very little time in it and would spend most of my time in Jersey with family and friends. As a Jersey girl, I longed to return to the suburbs but I worked in Philly and couldn’t afford the Jersey taxes to buy a home. I found myself in a relationship with a Jersey guy who I moved in with in a suburban neighborhood and he promised to give me my happily ever after. So, I pretty much recreated who I was to be with this man. I didn’t realize this at the time, but I became anything and everything he thought I should be. I think I was just lost and had no identity at the time and was so focused on finding love, getting married and having kids. Somehow this became more important than being true to myself and who I was.
One day I came home and he said to me that, “I need to end this. I am moving back to my home country of Dominica. If I stay here, I will have to kill myself.” Now, understand this is 5 years in after living together for about 4 years. We had recently returned from his home country on vacation, where we spoke about building a vacation home there. My point is I was totally caught off guard. A few months before I had friends that invited me to come look at a house they were seeking to buy in Curacao. I said no thank you. My partner at the time had me convinced that submitting was important and doing what he suggested was best and at the time he told me I needed to focus on paying off my debt so we could get married eventually. I made good money but I had a great deal of credit card debt and he often made me feel worthless and bad with money. I realized later this was because I made more than him and most of his money went to child support and he had little left to live on so he blamed everyone but himself. We spent weeks with me living in a separate room and him saying we were broken up. During this period, he would frequently say things like I was only joking we can be together or you need to leave by the end of the month. He would threaten to drive his car into a wall on the way home from work. I constantly contacted his mother and sister who claimed this was normal he did this periodically and I should just be patient living in the guest room until this ran it’s course. This was in deed not normal.
Finding a safe place
I confided in my best friend only and she was like no enough is enough come stay with me until your renters move out of the house you own. In order to do this I had to tell people what was happening. This was so scary because I spent years pretending that I was in a picture perfect relationship with no issues. As far as my mom and family knew, we were shopping for engagement rings and on the road to happiness. Most friends thought the same. While still living with my partner, I went to a bar with my friends who were going on the trip to Curaçao. During the conversation, I told them that we had broke up. They were completely confused like we just were at a party at your house and everything seemed fine. I explained how good I am at masking things and letting the world know all is perfect. Side note, my mom was big on people not knowing what was going on in your personal life so I think I picked it up. As the conversation progressed they were saying I should just go to curaçao. Eventually, I caved, after one friend said they would put it on their credit card and I could pay them back in installments. Two days later, I took my bestie up on her offer to stay with her and let my mom know what was happening. I then sent out a Bat-text to a group of friends and family briefly explaining that I was moving, it was urgent and I needed their help. All came out and moved me one morning while he was at work.
Lil Lost Girl
While at my best friend’s house, I felt welcomed but terribly lost and unanchored. My house was still being rented so most of my stuff was in storage and I lived out of two suitcases. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally blessed to have a room of my own and a place to digest my feelings. I spent most days reflecting by the river, going to the gym and trying to find myself again. One day I was reading an article online about emotionally abusive relationships. When I finished, I called a bunch of people and said, “Why didn’t you tell me I was in an emotionally abusive relationship?” Many just didn’t feel like it was their place. Sadly, I didn’t realize until I was out of it. Even though I left, this man proceeded to call daily asking things like when I was coming home and why I left. It was disturbing. Sometimes I would answer sometimes I would not. All the while, I was just counting down the days to Curaçao so I could just decompress and get away from all this madness.
Finding my happy place
Let me be clear, this was my first trip to Curaçao. I had never heard of this place and my mom and I kept confusing it with a war torn country near Venezuela called Caracas. Needless to say, Curaçao is a unique island full of beautiful people and wonderful adventures. Plus, it’s not located near the hurricane belt. It’s a short plane ride away from Aruba, which most Americans flock to for honeymoons and girls trips. Curaçao is smaller and less touristy. Though don’t get me wrong, tourists are starting to go there a lot more since the Pandemic, especially with the remote work options.
Once I stepped off the plane and saw the palm trees I knew it was going to be a life changing trip. Although, it wasn’t the first time out of the country, it was my first time staying at a private ocean villa. I spent the next week surrounded by friends, clear blue waters, eating poolside/oceanside, laughing, crying and growing as a person. On the second day, my ex-boyfriend called and I answered just to say I’m in Curaçao. His responded in anger and nasty statements. I hung up on him, cried and he’s been blocked ever since.
Being on this island and at Pelican Villa, uplifted me so much. The now owners of the house were wonderful. The male owner said something two things to me I will never forget, “In the end Little One, the only thing you should have to do to ‘keep him interested’ is to be you”. He also said, “It is so disrespectful to yourself & a wast of your life trying to manage people’s opinions of you!” These two statements became my personal mantras as I moved on with my life after that difficult relationship and they helped me know that my husband was the one for me.
During the trip, I also spent time with two women the owners were seeking to do business with. While the owners were in meetings purchasing the house in Curaçao, I spent hours talking to these ladies about my recent breakup and how lost I felt. These conversations led us to pray together and helped me understand the true meaning of God putting people in your path for a reason. This trip and all of these people changed my life. I left Curaçao a new person. My self-esteem was rebuilt and I knew I was going to be okay. I also learned that I have some amazing friends who really want nothing but the best for me. I am so grateful to the owners for introducing me to Curaçao, but especially, Pelican Villa in Lagun - My Happy Place. Since, my first trip several years ago, I have been many times and recently rented the house from them to share it with a few other close friends.
Looking for your happy place? Or a place to decompress or find yourself?
Rent the place that changed my life: Pelican Villa in Lagun
Not ready to travel, find your happy place close to home.
Hoping you find your happy place,
Written By: Monique Hayes, M.Ed, Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist
