Mommy’s Gone
“Mom, I need you to call me back.” I said frantically in my third voicemail for the past few hours. I begin to text and ask my husband to call. I then call my brother, “Hey have your talked to mommy?” He responded, “Not today, last night”. My brother called repeatedly as did I for hours. Now I should be clear, my mom is the type of woman who will get pissed and ignore phone calls and texts. However, you won’t know why she’s mad or what you did or if she just wants to be alone for a bit. It’s funny to think about it now, especially since she spoke to me and my brother daily if not a few times each day. But darling, when you were in the dog house it took forever to get out. One time I remember her hanging up on me and me driving an hour to her house banging on the door while calling like I don’t know what I said or did but I’m sorry can you let me in so we can go to lunch. And just like that the door opened and we went to lunch with no explanation. So, this night in July 2020 seemed no different, we just continued to call with no answer from her. I sent my best friend over her house who lived 15 minutes away and she said my mom’s car was there but no one answered the door but the lights were on. I was so confused and worried. As we changed into pajamas, my husband said, “Let’s just drive to her house, it’ll make you feel better.” I responded no what if she gets mad, then I thought this doesn’t seem like other times. Something is different.
It was almost 11:30pm so there was little traffic. During the 30 minute drive I just knew but I refused to say it out loud…mommy’s gone. I called her sister and asked her to meet us out the house. When we got there she didn’t answer the door. We banged so loud repeatedly and ended up having to break down the door as the neighbors called the cops thinking we were robbers. We ran upstairs to find my mom laying in the kitchen already gone. Screams of panic and pain came from me and my Aunt. Then, I realized I had to call and tell my brother who lived two hours away. I now said it out loud, “Mommy’s gone.” He screamed asking for us to do something and call the ambulance which we already did but she had no pulse and was getting cold. I could hear his heart break through his tears.
The next few hours were hell. Imagine just sitting on a couch with a few people while your mom lays lifeless on the floor as we waited for the funeral home to take her. I was numb consumed by the pain and fear of what would come next. I couldn’t cry anymore now, because for some reason I told myself I must console my Aunt. This is a woman who lost her brother young, then her father and now her sister. One cannot describe what that grief must be like.
Days go by and I’m comforted by my brother’s presence and lots of guests stopping by. However, it was the most difficult few weeks of my life. Luckily, my mom had life insurance and had talked to both my brother and I about the money and paperwork. Unfortunately, what she did not do was give us a list of what she wanted and how she wanted us to proceed. We knew two things, mommy wants to be cremated and grandma is going to be mad at us if we cremate her. Yup, family drama is usually the first thing that happens when you loose a loved one. See grandma comes from a long line of bible toting Christians, Baptist folks to be exact. Don’t get me wrong, I’m Baptist and my mom believed in God but was not the church going type unless there was a reason. You know - funeral, wedding, christening etc. but not every Sunday like my grandma. My grandma believed cremation was wrong and I think something about hindering you from going to heaven. Don’t quote me on this it’s something I never understood. My mom was adamant telling my brother and I, :You will follow my wishes and cremate me unless you want me to come haunt you both!”
We did just that, on late July 2020 we cremated our mother and had a celebration of life event. Now don’t get it twisted, we’re grown but we ain’t stupid. I sure did call my grandma and say uh you know mommy wanted to be cremated. She explained they had spoke about it recently and she was fine with doing what my mom requested. Thank God I thought one less battle to fight. Now yes I’m skipping lots of drama like my mom’s body being taking to a crappy funeral home and us having to fight for days to get her moved which cost lots of time and money. The arguments over the obituary which we were in a brain fog of grief writing with the major assistance of the funeral home. No one gets that we had no clue what we were doing or the rules of it all. We had family mad we included certain folks and didn’t include others by name. It was like a wedding with no bride or groom, just lots of input from random family members some very close to her, some not so much. I think I forgot to mention, my mom also did not want any type of service. Uhm, yeah we kinda disregarded that wish of hers. I tried but my brother is 7 years younger and I realized he needed to process what had happened and so did other friends and family. We even had a repass at my cousins house where all my aunt’s friends prepared amazing food and made everyone feel welcomed. It was beautiful, plus, I didn’t really think she would haunt us, lol.
Written By: Monique Hayes, M.Ed, Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist
