Grieving a Father I Never Knew
So it’s Father’s Day weekend, which is a real doozy of a grief wave for me. Why? I never really knew my father. Well I guess that’s not technically true, my parents married when I was like 5, maybe 3 got me I know from seeing pictures. All I know is there are pictures of us together as a family when I was very little, then out of nowhere no pictures. I clearly remember a phone call when I was a teenager of a man claiming to be my father in which my response was, “yeah right stop playing”. Well after a few minutes I realized this man who’s voice I had no recollection of was indeed my father. We talked briefly about absolutely nothing then he promised to come get me that weekend. I was so excited but quickly disappointed as I was all dressed up to meet him and he never showed or called. Let me be clear he did call again, months later with the same rap, which after a few times I began to recognize whoever this man was calling; he was a LIAR.
Releasing Rage
Fast forward 5 years, I was in my first year of college at Temple University driving with my Aunt and Mom from school through Camden headed to visit family. As we drove down a random street in Camden, my Aunt says, “Hey Mo, there goes your dad”. I replied, “Pull over please”. She did and I got out the car approaching basically a complete stranger. I know what you are thinking…how exciting she’s finally going to meet her dad and rekindle this magical relationship that she has been grieving her entire life. Well, so sorry to disappoint you, but I got out of that car mad as hell. I said, “Do you know who I am? Do you?” He was noticeably intoxicated or high. As he staggered to catch his balance, he said, “Oh, Mo my baby. I’m so proud of you.” I took a large step back and looked him up and down and said, “You proud of me, why? Let me correct something, I am everything I am because of my mom and myself, in spite of you. Listen closely, you had multiple chances to be in my life and you chose not to. You chose to be on drugs and not get help so you could keep your job and keep my child support coming. So, this means you have no right to be in the barber shop bragging to people about what my cousins tell you about how great I’m doing because you had nothing, I repeat nothing to do with it. So please, keep my name out your mother fucking mouth!” Will Smith didn’t create the statement, it’s slang from some time ago lol. I then walked back to the car with an air of superiority, just so proud of myself.
Unfortunately, it did not make up for the years of loss I felt daily or yearly as each Father’s Day came around. Don’t get me wrong my mom was an outstanding mother and every Father’s Day she got a card to celebrate all she did in his absence. However, for years I said he was just my sperm donor and that I didn’t need him. However, it’s a lie. I may not have needed him but I needed a male adult father figure in my life as I truly believe all girls do. One day I’ll share more about why but this is about Father’s Day’s so let me continue.
Self-Care Solution
So, I’m now 45 and feel like an orphan, no mother, no father, no grandmother. Sure I have my brother who is amazing and my new family along with Aunts and cousins but I still often feel without both parents I’m lost. So what do you do when you are lost in grief missing something you never really had but you feel the pain inside? You find a way to feel somewhat whole. You focus on self-care and creating a family of your own whether that means a family of friends, colleagues, like-minded individuals whom have your back. I continually do big things for my husband on Father’s Day because I know how easy it is for some to just live their legacy behind. This year, you will find us in Ocean City, Maryland, reflecting on love, family, happiness and enjoying the calming beach. Grieving is a process that is most time never ending but try to find yourself small corners of the world that bring you joy and connectedness.
Grieving with Grace,
Monique Hayes, M.Ed, Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist
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