Celebrating while grieving

So not even a full two months after my mom died, I was barely functioning. Well, what I considered functioning anyway. I worked just enough, talked just enough, smiled just enough, interacted with my bonus kids just enough, was intimate with my husband just enough… to pretend that I was fine. Listen, I was the poster child for fake it till you make it. We had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary in August with a trip to Canada. Then came my birthday, previously as a Virgo girl I loved celebrating my birthday. However, this just seemed forced.  After sending my husband multiple FB messages about grief and how there was no need to force someone to be happy and celebrate their birthday. Here comes that party animal again saying things like, “You can’t stop living, you must go on”. I was so resentful thinking I don’t want to, why do I have to and honestly, I thought repeatedly you just don’t get it. Well, he does technically cause he lost his mother a few years ago. The only difference is that he mourned some while she was alive since she had failing health due to an illness. You think it’s the same but it’s not because he knew it was coming and got to say goodbye and to learn of what his mom expected of him when she was no longer here. Anyway, back to the point I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. So, after convincing him I didn’t want a party. Yup, he tried to throw me one. I half-heartedly agreed to a weekend in Atlantic City. We went and I did what I continued faking it to the best of my ability. We then were on my way to my grandmom’s house where my Aunt also lived and was preparing the birthday dinner my mom always made me. I was grateful that I was going to still get my pork chops smothered in gravy with rice. However, on our ride there we got a call that my grandmom (my mom’s mom) had fallen and broke her hip so we should go straight to the hospital. I called my brother in New York City and he was on the highway immediately. So, here’s where I am truly my mother’s daughter. I spent the next few days with my laptop working from the hospital like a truly lost soul. How did I expect to help people while I was struggling to even focus? I couldn’t have people thinking I didn’t have it all together, so I kept faking like all was okay. My boss even suggested I take off. I reiterated the hospital has wi-fi, I can work from here. As a family, we decided she would have the hip surgery. She came out fine and a few days later she began to deteriorate. We were told to say our goodbyes, so we prayed and did as the doctor told us. Our family matriarch, Dolores B. Washington faded away at 91 years old after a life of hard work, raising our family and others throughout her time as a health care worker. Therefore, I’m positive that my husband doesn’t get it. As I said goodbye to my grandma all I did was get angry that I didn’t get to say goodbye to my mom. I sucked it up and kept faking it straight through the planning of services, picking of outfits, funeral, burial and still even sometimes today years later. Why? Sometimes faking it is the only way you can get through the day without completely breaking. Not to mention in our society when you don’t fake it so many are so uncomfortable with feelings of grief. Therapy taught me how to balance processing my feelings of grief with the occasional faking it to get by. This is where Grief Escapes comes in to tell you that what you are experiencing is normal and it’s okay to feel your grief, even if no one seems to understand it. Give yourself some grace and recognize your loss is real and it’s okay to feel the pain and let the tears flow. Grief is something you must now learn to live with for it will always be with you. As we say at GE, you can’t escape the grief but you can rediscover wellness.

Written By: Monique Hayes, M.Ed, Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist